New Maths 101 – How Numerous Positives Equal a Negative

I have given up trying to get to sleep. Exhaustion – or whatever that feeling is – persuaded me, on a Saturday night, to go to bed before ten. Totally rock and roll.

But the skin feels alive, almost as if it wants to escape. And the muscles refuse to relax. So I am sitting here trying to sift it all through to allow a break, a rest.

And there is no sense to it. Putting work to one side, there have been so many positives this week.

Wednesday night saw my selection, from five potential candidates, to be a town councillor. As a new boy in town I was surprised, and very humbled.

After giving me grief of late, a replacement for my ancient remnant of a car seems finally to be in place. I cooked a damned fine Brazilian fish stew.

And this morning I got the joy of watching a variety of kids, including one very special girl, doing what they do best.

So all was going well. I wandered off to Lidl to stock up on a few essentials. The car park was full, I looked at the shop entrance, and couldn’t go in. The thought of a busy shop left me staring at the door for what felt like an age before I turned round and went home.

And from there the world started to disappear.

And i should have been happy. I hung my laundry out first thing this morning, and a cloud burst 800 yards down the road left my garden dry as a bone. The Super rugby final was on in the afternoon.

And yet, the world kept moving further away.

Deciding that it was down to being awake since 3.00 am, and finally giving up and making the first cup of coffee at 6.00 am, I pushed it away, mowed the lawn, made some lunch, and then found myself blankly regarding nothing a couple of hours later.

And so it has been for the rest of the night. Periods of presence, answered texts, ate, then the time disappeared.

I suppose by now I should be used to these fluctuations, rises and falls, the periods of dullness and dark, soundless noise in the midst of good news, beginnings, progress and change.

i suppose there needs to be a balance in everything, but it would be nice to be able to enjoy the ups a little more.

I have so many blessings, so much to bring light in. And yet I just can’t find the key to that final door at the end of the corridor.

And this is not for sympathy. Understanding maybe. Apology perhaps. Thankfulness for the light bringers – they know who they are.

But also to get it out of my head and placed somewhere less harmful.

And maybe to anyone who also has dark days, that the lights do come on again. And they always will.

Whether it helps me get to sleep – anyone’s guess.

But here goes!