Fear of Floating

Most of the time I like to think that I approach life, and the various curve balls it throws, with a grown up and mature attitude.

Whether it is less than cooperative clients or co-workers, the more mundane irritations of daily life, or moments of crisis, concern, critical decision time or just on-going shite for close and dear friends; I hope that I am able to approach, deal with, support, analyse, argue with an empathetic and adult air.

And then it comes to my life. And those moments where the ground seems to be less than entirely solid, and an encompassing feeling that, unless I hold grimly to the nearest solid object, I will float away.

Appealing as that might be for a permanently overweight individual like myself, it is less to do with diet, and more to do with a losing of a grip on the day-to-day.

And there is no rational considerations behind it. It comes from nowhere and quietly swallows the day, coating everything with a shiver of panic.

Like those dreams of falling, but in reverse, an inability to hold on, to maintain contact with the world as it is, becomes a state of mind that is difficult to shake.

The knots that hold the threads seem weak and less substantial, and looser by the second.

Of course it is all in the mind. in the darker places, where doubt and self-criticism settle down for a long stay. And the only elements that seem solid and stable are the very ones that create the fear of floating away from the good stuff.

Lack of stability brings insecurity, which brings a need to be seen, and never at the best time, or in the best way.

And the feeling passes, and the nervy concerns fade into the background, and the conviction re-emerges that all is right with life.

But there is always a question, just out of earshot, and a knot that doesn’t look that well tied, and a not-quite-imminent loosing of the grip.

It makes no sense, not in the reality that is. But when has that made a difference.

The truth of feeling less than found is no less powerful because it isn’t true.

I am really beginning to hate balloons.