That was – is – a strange one. This week has proved at least one thing to me, that I should pay attention.
I have had, over the last few years, been blessed with a closeness with an exceptional woman. And because I care, when she has tough stuff, I feel the echoes. And when she has good stuff, I revel in those ripples too.
So things have been a bit rollercoaster, but she was still there on Wednesday to provide a huge moral prop when my high ground was shat on from a great height.
And today, after an extended demonstration of strength, determination, wit, intelligence and all round wonderfulness, things seem to be coming up with a gentle glow.
And all the echoes and ripples have washed over me, and this should be, and is an up.
So where did that hole come from?
Where there should have been happiness – well there was – but behind it was an endless silent shout. No words, just an urgent silence that grew louder.
And trying to work through the afternoon, the wall of silence rose, and there seemed no-where to go.
The hay fever made the tears almost acceptable, although not driving through a drizzle inside my glasses. And to bed, to try and shut the deafening silence out.
Long time since I cried myself to sleep. But hey, whatever works.
After a couple of hours, into the shower, clear the face, quieten the shouts, and relax the shoulders.
The hole is only a foot or so deep now, and shrinking.
But where did it come from?
The truth. I think it is always there. As it is for many.
For much of the time life, other lives, cover it over, or stop you slipping into it. But blink and its there again. Up front and up loud.
And this is not a cry for sympathy. Although maybe a sorry for being absent for an hour or three.
This is to say that there are millions who suffer, and survive. And some that don’t.
And they should be seen. And acknowledged. And when people say things are tough and they are not sure why, then that’s okay.
Tomorrow will be fine, or fine enough. And I love people, which is always the best therapy.
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