I cannot remember an election, or referendum for that matter, where the thought of it, the slow release of results after 10.00 p.m., the final outcome: it raises that feeling in the pit of the stomach of hope lost.
Naturally, I hope that the result is a sharp turn away from the lemming – style dash for the cliff edge. And i know lemmings don’t actually do that, but the image still stands.
I silently implore enough people to realise that allowing the Tories to continue along their chosen path will lead to the disintegration of democracy, or at least what we claim democracy to be.
We are a long way from true democracy, but if the Tories are given free reign, then individual choice, freedom, security will become bargaining chips to be used across borders with similar self-obsessed, self-aggrandising sociopaths.
It gets harder to see what should be self-evident truth. Social media is easily distorted, print and broadcast media already is, and the misogynist buffoon gets away with it all.
The echoes of Trump supporters in total denial – or worse, acknowledgement and acceptance – is too stark.
And I tried for so long to not write off pro-leave voters. We were all lied to, they had been ignored for years, they wanted a chance to make a noise, have a voice. But there is a line. To continue to support the people who ignored you, who created your suffering, and who profited from it – it’s hard to retain respect.
To not listen to anything that may show you that you may have been wrong, that your argument isn’t with the Europeans who support your health service, your industries, your support services; or with the EU itself, which has defended so many of the rights you have now; to ignore everything else but the repeated meaningless phrases of those that will never suffer, that is pushing respect to breaking point.
Those that voted to leave from pure self interest, they are even harder to respect, especially if they do it again. Because their interests will implode as well. They are just as misled.
Self-inflicted harm rather than an admission of error is not a sensible, logical or sane approach to a decision that will cause untold damage to so many – except those persuading you to follow the folly.
I want to retain my humanity, and empathy, and generosity to those who I disagree with, but it is going to be hard, so hard.
In the meantime, that sick feeling persists, the arguments swirl endlessly round inside my head, but I am nor convinced enough people listen to them.
So, come Friday morning, the only certainty are those that I am certain of now, and that will keep me going.
And maybe we will all need to shout a bit louder from now on, and if feelings are hurt, then that may be the price to pay.
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