“How are you?”
That must be the most asked question in the English – and any other – language.
And, when asked in the usual perfunctory way that happens most, the hoped for answer is, of course, “I’m fine thanks. How are you?”
And the circle is duly completed, and the world moves on.
But what happens, what do you do, what do you say, when you are asked, and the answer is “No” but you have no idea why?
There is nothing tangible. Nothing clear. No unfortunate turn of events. No emotional hiatus.
And yet the feeling persists that something is off-balance. There is an small cloud of doubt, invisible, and about three feet behind. Nothing to identify.
So you say “I’m fine”.
Buty you don’t want to. You want to scream. For a long, long time. Nothing coherent, just loud, loud enough to hurt your throat. To make something real out of the untouchable feeling.
But you don’t do that. Because it won’t bring clarity. Or closure. You have to wait for that.
And that is no help to those that ask. Because, in their eyes, you can see they care. But you have been through everything it isn’t, which leaves nothing clear for what it is.
Because it isn’t anything. and potentially it is everything, or links to everything. Which is no clearer to being an answer.
But most of the time, that is as close as it can get. And time will evaporate it, or diminish it, or tuck it quietly away in a safe and secure box right at the back of that room where all the unused silent explosions are stored.
So, to all those who have asked, and will ask, “How are you?” and know that the answer they get may not be the reality, at the time it will be the best I can do.
I am sorry. I am blessed that you ask. I am blessed that you care. And I will answer clearly when I have the clarity myself.
Until then, “I am fine thanks, honest”.
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