I have avoided writing anything during the various closedowns, lockups and general dystopia that has been the last 12 months, mainly because the various voices shouting at me inside my head were must too discordant and disorganised to extract any sense.
And there is absolutely no reason why the following will have achieved any more clarity, but I need a break from writing a CV for a car salesman, so here we go.
Lockdown 1 was a blessing, for me. It brought endless good weather, a ritualised regularity that gave each day a form that made life an easy progression.
It arrived in time to relieve me of the looming depth of a life smothered in a sludge of descending depression.
And I wasn’t happy either, at all, not even a little bit!
I appreciate that it was a shite shower for many, many people, and I am profoundly sorry for that, but it saved me.
And gave my mind room to return to reading again, and breathing again, and sunning again.
And apologies for all who suffered the reappearance after an extended absence of my legs!
Lockdowns 2 and 3, or wherever we are now, were and are a very different story, and only partly because the sun had gone.
The treadmill of work returned with a vengeance, and has proved a concentration struggle on a regular basis, and therefore a constant frustration that never goes, and never quite leaves the gaps between sleep.
The disappearance of daylight also seems to have decided to influence the mood, creating a direct correlation between a lack of light and an increase in the darkening mood.
And each time, looking for a distraction, I looked past my window to the wider world, all that was there were obfuscating, lying and profoundly dangerous men doing there level best to destroy civility and civilisation.
And, although he helped to retain my sanity, and my levels of fitness, with two walks most days, the pup hasn’t ye replaced the silent wisdom of the older lady I used to walk after work, and talk through all of life with.
But there have been distinct positives, summed up by the title of this splurge.
During the warmth of the first lockdown, I would regularly meet an older, dapper gentleman walking his dog as I was walking my loan pooch, on both of the two different routes I would take on daily basis.
We would exchange a ‘Good Morning’, and then a brief chat, as our paths met and continued in opposite directions.
And then one day he hit me with a simple, and hugely profound observation.
‘If we were walking in the same direction, we would never have met.’
I still think about that, and it still churns, and it still says a mountain of philosophies about life.
I have also recently discovered the distinct joy of talking to myself, out loud, during walks in the woods after dark, with a dog as reason for being there.
And more particularly, swearing endlessly at all those who have angered me during the day, which has mainly been a small group of Tories and Americans.
Thankfully, the dog didn’t take any offense, as none was addressed to him.
Progression is harder to define, although I have written my first private CV commission, and much more satisfying, a story for my favourite 5 year old.
I have also started to make distinct calculations on how the future, and provision for the future, may be achieved with less stress, and more freedom.
That is definitely a work in progress.
And the state pension will start arriving in March.
And the people I love are still as dear to me as ever, although not within touching distance again just yet.
And each, in their own way, are proving their strength, and awesome individuality, and diversity of goals.
And, at the end of it all, the fact that they are all here, there and everywhere, but still with me in my heart, means that there I enough to make the rest worth suffering until it is resolved and opened again.
And it will once again be time for a crowded table for a Sunday night meal, with lashings of gravy!
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