Isn’t it ridiculous that, no matter how good, bad or indifferent the past was, there will always be a certain comfort in the certainty of knowing.
Knowing what happened, maybe even why it happened, and what the outcomes were, good, bad or indeed different.
A few years ago my life was diverted by a force of nature from a direction that was neither healthy, happy or holding the promise of a positive future.
Between then and now I have been through a number of iterations, each one moving me along a new and interesting road, providing a new view both internally and of the world, adding different and more positive options.
Now, coming from a place of deep and morbid depressive vistas, I would never claim that this has been a ‘sunny uplands’ road with no laybys of doubt, mordant questioning and constant suspicion that I will awake to find that nothing has changed.
But I am coming to the conclusion that, unless I am totally delusional, things are looking rosier, more interesting, different, with more possibilities.
I am still angry, and as long as Tories, men, sociopaths and narcissists continue to screw with the lives of people that I care about, and everyone else who isn’t included in the above groups, then I shall continue to retain that anger.
But acknowledging that whilst I will always be male, I am no longer a man on any official documentation, and my attitude to misogyny in all its forms, and to call it out whenever I come across it, has broadened my appreciation of those that have suffered it from day 1.
And discovering that what people think doesn’t matter has been liberating beyond belief.
Don’t misunderstand me; there are people that I hold very dear, whose views and opinions I value above everything, but I am also confident that they accept me for whoever I am.
It is just a huge relief not having to be concerned that every word I say needs to be balanced against the test of who it might alienate, even amongst the groups I remain permanently angry with.
Having the treadmill of a full time daily grind removed is also a huge blessing, even though it leaves a question mark where the future is.
What surprised me is that, although I am in no way sure of what will fill the space, and that adds a frisson, it is a lot less scary and a lot more exciting than I expected.
Based on my parents’ lifespans, there is quite some time to go before the future finally becomes the past, so it is just as well that it is becoming easier to remain above the darker zones.
And i must acknowledge the reason that I am where I am is due to some very particular individuals, all but one being women.
My son has been an exemplar to me of what the best of a human being can be, alongside the most tasteless sense of humour imaginable.
And I have been accepted and understood by a diversity of the best of women, each unique, and strong, and glorious, and deserving the best of lives.
From the first, and best, who turned me around, to all the others who have come into my life since, and the mother of my son, I am blessed with the best of this world, and their impact on my life has made whatever the future reveals to be the best place to be.
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