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Before you send off the begging letter, I have not won the lottery. Neither have I come into a fortune by any other route. But, overall, I see myself as lucky.

Perhaps fortunate may be a more appropriate identifier. Fortunate to have had two parents who loved me, and kept me as safe and secure as my fluctuating arrogance levels allowed them.

Fortunate to have had two very different women who, for a time, were willing to remain married to me.

Extremely fortunate, and blessed, to have a rare and remarkable son. Who has a rare and remarkable partner.

And an extended family that have shown a fair amount of tolerance and understanding over the years.

More recently, I have gratefully added some extra-ordinary friends – of all ages.

What has generated the reflections on fortune is that I am reminded, necessarily, that not everyone has been as fortunate.

There are too many who have suffered through abusive and destructive relationships, and carry the scars into their futures.

Their strength, resilience, determination and stubbornness have brought them to a better place. But the memory will be there. The damage leaves a residue. And peace is harder to find.

I am especially fortunate to know these survivors. Not because they make me feel glad for what I never had to suffer, but because they show me every day how powerful real, clear love can be.

And the strength they show reflects in their next generation. And lifts my soul from the mundane worries of every day.

Because for the survivors the struggle isn’t over. It changes, it lessens, it has its moments of crisis, but is still there.

But they do rise above and beyond those that would hold them down. In small ways, in silent declarations, but they do rise.

And they will continue to rise. Because they are strong, and they love unconditionally, and knowing them is my fortune.

This is probably the first time I have started a blog with no real idea of where it will finish. And maybe that is because there is no clear answer.

When I first heard John Bercow’s statement to parliament about Trump not addressing MPs, my first response was ‘Yes!’

I think it is fairly clear that I have a very low opinion of Donald Trump, and nothing he has done or said of late has changed my mind in the slightest. And when a petition was set up to withdraw the offer of a state visit, I was happy to sign.

As individuals, either singly or in a collective voice, we are entitled to state our repugnance at any and every opportunity. Freedom of speech. It’s in the Constitution!

And speaking out, and marching, and demonstrating is a duty, if we hold our freedoms and our rights as valued social contracts. The louder the better, for as long as it takes.

And if or when he does come, I think a more effective response would be to line the streets with our backs to him, in silence.

However, when it comes to a public servant, and one in a unique position within parliament, then the picture is not quite so clear. Whilst it is always instantly gratifying to see misogynist sociopaths slapped down in public, there is a point when the critique of him begins to sound as full of a similar vitriol to his initial statements.

Once again, private individuals, by ones or in groups, are entitled to delve as deeply into the pit of venom as they deem appropriate, and I do love some deep, dark venom.

But there has to be a higher level of response, and responsibility, when it involves a public servant in a public place.

Because, what initially appears as the morally correct response can quickly become a mirror image of the original offence.

There has to be a higher standard set, and held, and presented as a means of shining a light on the dystopia of Trump’s world.

And he should visit the UK, even though I signed a petition against it – as a means of tallying a count against him – so that he can be presented with the opposition to his words and deeds.

If he is stopped from coming, or stopped from speaking, then he can, again, create his own narrative. He must be confronted at every opportunity, and that requires his presence.

So, as private citizens we can say whatever we want. Public servants need to respect the process. Because the process is our defence against tyranny.

This is a time I have come to know very well over the past few years.

Whether I retire to bed at 10.00 p.m. to read for a while, or crawl under the duvet at midnight, age and an insistent bladder stir me during the night. And the time is always the same.

The habit of a physical requirement is not the real problem however. The problem is returning to the comforting enclosure of sleep.

I have a trick that I have used for years. I only open one eye. It doesn’t matter which, but one eye only. It doesn’t work. Never has, but I still do it.

And so, each night, i return to bed, close my eye, and am greeted by a version of the inside of a tornado. Just about everything – work, friends, enemies, programmes watched, politicians, dictators, dicks – swirl around in a vortex of silent shouting, screaming, whispering cacophony.

The trick is to single out one thing to concentrate on. To grab one slice of life, one person, one circumstance to focus thoughts. To push the rest back and down and silence them.

But it is not always easy to pick one that will relax and calm. There are many swirling elements that contain real or imagined worries, concerns, fears. Magnified by the silence and darkness of 3.37 a.m.

There are so many real or distorted memories of errors, regrets, mistakes, misguided and misjudged decisions. Each one shouting silently for justice, punishment, retribution.

And so the battle ensues between the thoughts that disturb and those that give balm. And as, over the years, I have never been able to dismiss the many moments of regret, of error, of the wrong word or action, for many hours on many nights they win.

For hours, in the dark of the early morning, they are revisited and re-accusations are made and guilt reconfirmed.

Eventually, a comforting moment will emerge to calm the swirl, and rest returns, and sleep re-emerges.

But it is not all bad. Because, although the nights may be a constant battle – from 3.37 a.m. onwards – the days are being slowly converted to a more contented life.

And as this slowly seeps into the memory banks for the nightly battles, perhaps the balance will shift, and calm will begin to win more nights, and there will be more sleep.

Till then, 3.37 a.m. will continue to be a presence.

and before you ask, it does shift with summer time and autumn clock changes. Spooky eh?

If I understand the basic concept of animosity, then when I say someone is my enemy, they will see me in exactly the same way. A simple and effective method of maintaining the status quo – balance of power – whatever cover all term you prefer.

So, when public statements are made regarding defending ourselves against cyber attacks from Russia, and they are presented as ‘the enemy’, I can only assume that they will present their version in the same terms.

Now, I am not naive enough to take it all at face value. Governments make public statements of dire adversarial antagonism, whilst long-standing discussions continue through back corridors. And they have done since they were able to pick a fight with another nation.

Nor am I gullible enough to think that it is all one-sided. There is boundless evidence for our, and our allies, involvement in all sorts of underhand and subversive activity over the years. And I am positive that it continues today.

After all, how would we know that Russia was hacking, subverting, influencing areas of our domestic lives unless we were indulging in the same activities in the other direction. And that applies to China, Iran, wherever you feel appropriately threatened from.

Or not. After all, the US bugged the German chancellor!

So, the status quo – we spy on each other, we interfere with each other’s domestic activities, we publicly accuse each other of every sin since the beginning of time – remains. The Security Services justify their existence, and we are kept ‘on-side’ in the ongoing Cold Wars.

I know there are very bad people out there, probably planning all types of very bad things to do to us as a society. And I appreciate all the work done by the Security Services to retain our safety.

But that is very different from the public posturing to retain outdated animosities.

Perhaps, just perhaps, if the secret discussions were brought into the light, and common ground was sought instead of antagonism and division, then perhaps some of the peripheral repercussions would be reduced.

As an example, and for whatever else it is, the situation in Syria is significantly due to the retained confrontation between Russia and ‘the west’, a proxy war.

So, how about deflating the rhetorical grandstanding, talk to other nations as human beings, and maybe, just maybe, we could have a few less ‘enemies’, and a few more friends.

And we all need friends.

 

 

The days are getting longer – slowly – but it is still pretty dark out there. And not just due to the number of daylight hours. Bleakness is pervasive, and invasive.

So, I thought I would move away from the macro depressing situations evolving throughout the world, and look at the little things, big in my life but micro to the wider status.

There is a little family – one male, one female, one dog – who have recently moved to Denham, Buckinghamshire. The move was on the back of a new job, that began after the move was complete. Nervous times until the new job started. So receiving a text to say that it looked like it was the right decision was soooo good.

There is another family, with a baby daughter, who I have seen more or less every week since her birth towards the end of 2015. I have never been a baby lover, but this one has eyes that just slay you, and parents who are pretty awesome.

I walked through their front door the other day, and she held her arms up for me to hold her. Just like that. A little gesture, from a little person. But a huge surge in my heart.

There is another, older, daughter. Awesome in her very own right. And strong. And brave. And when doubts arise she always proves her true strength.

And walking out of my new home to a new view, and a close proximity to water, and fresh air, and a welcome for a cuppa after work, or any time. And unconditional acceptance.

And new friends, in the flesh and remotely, but all individual, unique, and providers of understanding, inspiration and belly laughs.

And standing up, with others, to deny in our own ways that there is no other answer but the ugliness.

And being alive, and retaining hope in spite of current world actors, and because of all the micro elements in my life.

Unless we start talking about Bristol Rugby – then that is a whole different quagmire!

It is held to be a fundamental right – we can say what we want, about whatever we want, whenever we want.

And, in general terms that is fair enough. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion – on everything. We can agree, disagree, or really not give a damn. That is our right.

However, those that shout the loudest about their rights also tend to be the ones who fail to see both sides of any right. To claim a right involves taking responsibility for the repercussions of exercising that right.

And therefore, the reverse should also hold true – if you are not prepared to take responsibility for your actions, in this case what you say, then shut up!

Discussion, discourse, disagreement – the basis of civilisation, because the result should be an acceptable compromise. But it only works with respect, on both sides.

In any discussion, where opposing opinions meet, there will come a point where either one side or the other – or maybe both – will change or adjust their position OR where it is clear that there will be no agreement.

In that case the first rule states you stop. Retain respect and stop. You do not continue to harangue and bombard and assault with more and more of the same. Because your responsibility for your freedom to hold your views, and state them, requires you to respect those that no longer want to hear them.

And you stop.

The problem we have today is that those that shout the loudest about their freedom do not care about its universality. Their freedom requires others to be restricted, to not hold and put forward their own views.

I see and understand that much of this stems from fear, and disaffection, and powerlessness. And that the only answer seems to shout the loudest, and the most extreme of ideas, to get a hearing.

The trouble is that, if you are quiet for a second, you will see that those you are shouting down are those that are most willing to help, and support, and empathise.

Whilst we all have a right to our individuality of thought, and state it, we should also see that there is always more to link us than to separate.

So, say what you feel, but also listen, and hear, and respect.

Or we all lose.

Perhaps a slightly oversimplified question, but in the end isn’t that what it comes down to?

What, as a country, as a nation, as a widely diverse population, are we prepared to accept, tolerate, turn a blind eye to?

To ensure we maintain, or improve, our living standards, exactly how much are we prepared to allow to pass, because the alternative is a threat to our way of life?

We are well aware that, because of their regional strategic value, and their oil reserves, we are happy to provide weaponry to Saudi Arabia. Weaponry used to kill innocent people.

We know that, in the past, we have been more than happy to have mutually beneficial relationships with all forms and levels of despots, extremists and genocidal leaders, in the name of profit and domestic financial security.

So, let us add Trump to the list. One more won’t make that much difference.

And whether or not it is posturing to placate his electorate, or the reality of a new isolationist fanaticism, the ripples, the results are the same.

So we need to decide how much we value what we have, and what we want to have in the future.

Is my job, or your job, worth the gross mistreatment of totally innocent people, who just happen to be born in a country that is now on the banned list – even though not one US citizen has died on US soil because of the actions of anyone from one of those countries?

Is your job, or my job, worth the continual suffering of innocents in other parts of the world, their suffering the explicit or implicit result of our government’s actions or inactions?

This is not a choice that we can make on an individual basis. But it is a choice individuals can demand of their representatives. That parliamentary sovereignty we apparently are leaving the EU for – that is our power to say NOT IN MY NAME.

To stand next to Trump and say nothing is to accept his lunacy.

And for any who say that this is too simplistic, the world is a complex place, my answer is yes it is. But the choice, the moral imperative, is very straight forward.

The answer should always be NO.

I used to castigate people for not voting, especially those who complained about the state of the nation. And for the most part I still do.

But I am coming to the point where I am having doubts as to the value of putting a cross in a box as an indication of being part of society, and entitled to have expectations of it.

Both the Brexit referendum and the presidential election in the US proved one thing above anything else – you can say whatever you like to win. Lies, blatant lies, flew around like confetti. And yes, there were truth-checkers but not enough, not loud enough, and not listened too in enough numbers.

And so the lies and the revisionists won.

And after the win, the denials. The reversals.

But, even worse, the acknowledgement of what was said to win, but that, having won, it really doesn’t matter. It doesn’t count, because that was before and this is now.

So, expediency is all. Trump can make the most outlandish, racist, misogynistic statements. He can accuse just about everyone of just about anything. But he is now the president, and therefore our esteemed representatives genuflect and bend the knee.

Boris Johnson can say whatever jumps to the front of his duplicitous mind pre and post Brexit vote, and then either deny or dismiss it as irrelevant as ‘that was then’. He can insert foot after foot into mouth, and no longer suffer any consequences.

And go out into the world to represent us – the whole country.

And now even the apparently honourable leader of the opposition, voted for by me because I actually thought that principle counted, accepts the expediency of upholding the undemocratic referendum result as fact.

So who is left to actually speak out for truth?

At the moment, on the political stage, it would seem to be the Liberals.

Who would have thought!

Today was a good day. A very good day. I spent several hours in the company of three exceptional women that I know, and many hundreds that I don’t. All gathered in one place to stand up for equality, humanity and the future of us all.

We are all human beings. And there are good, bad and indifferent women and men. But that is not the point. It wasn’t the point today, and it will not be the point tomorrow. It will never be the point until the first question is ‘What inequality?’

And so I stood on College Green, with the women I knew, and many more that I didn’t, to state clearly and loudly that the reverse gear that has recently been engaged by Trump and his ilk is not acceptable. In any way.

At least four generations, as diverse as is possible, came together for one reason. To confirm that there is another way. And as long as we continue to watch, and report, and deny, and provide an alternative view, then we can continue to move in that direction.

Over the years I have known some truly remarkable women, each in their own unique way. And i have known many women who, day after day, carry on in a seemingly unremarkable way.

And yet, they too are remarkable. Because in a world where they have never been operating on an even playing field, they still do all and more that is needed to keep themselves, and those men, afloat.

There are so many negatives expanding across the world at the moment. Mysogyny is rampant, there is separation and division being driven forward as a political imperative, and the shadows of battles long thought past are appearing again.

So, to stand with exceptional women, each a true individual, an exemplar, a signpost for the future, was a truly enhancing experience.

Babies who will say thanks to their mothers in years to come, children excited by the positivity, young women taking tentative but determined steps towards political activity, smart and astute women who see the reality, and those who have been through the many battles before, and are back to fight again.

I was honoured to be with them. To see their determination, their humanity, their humour, their solidarity, their acceptance of the diversity of a common purpose.

Yes there were men there. And yes of course they count. But they are not inherently unequal. So, as part of the other groups, races, sectors, religions that are being put into second, third. fourth place, they are part of the ongoing fight.

But women have one extra burden to overcome, one struggle that still needs the constant reminder of marches like today.

I was honoured to be there. And as long as it takes, I will always be there.

Just one small request. Can it be a little warmer next time?

This will be short, not particularly sweet, but hopefully the point will be clear.

Based on various reports across the news this morning, it would appear that Jeremy Corbyn will be requiring Labour MPs to support the triggering of Article 50.

Once again, and with increasing exasperation and disappointment, I ask why?

This was not a binding decision within the form of democratic system we have operated in this country for nearly 100 years. This was a decision, based in no small part on gross inaccuracies and downright lies, taken by 37% of the eligible electorate.

That is not democracy. It may be expediency, it is certainly stupidity, but it is not democracy.

And being unwilling to say so, to stand up and oppose the departure of the UK from an arrangement that even, Jeremy, you were 70% in favour of, is political cowardice.

If you, as you have always maintained, arte in parliament to represent the people, then stand up for the majority that didn’t vote Out, and say no.