It has been a while since I last presented my mental meanderings, and that has been for a number of reasons.
There has been no rage-riven political angst because, quite simply, life got in the way. And there has be no existential life lessons because, quite simply, life got in the way.
I was told recently by someone who may know me too well, that when I ‘go silent’ they know all is not well, but the answer will eventually emerge – because I will always deny the existence of a problem – in the next rambling blog.
Annoyingly, that is true. Till now.
Because the silent and deep was too silent, and definitely too deep, to allow any expression of what was the root. Not being able to re-stopper the bottle restricted any expression of ‘it’s okay not to be okay’.
And so I walked around, in outward denial, with a granite block on my back, and not looking to understand it, because the feeling of ‘don’t open the box’ was so strong.
And then, because someone who knows me too well got totally pissed off with my denial, and called me out, and forced me to acknowledge the pressure, the weight, I had tried to ignore became real.
And because it became real, it gradually became focussed, and reason, or a reasoning, began to emerge.
And the weight was total, all-consuming fear.
I was about to become safe, and secure, after so long of not being. And the prospect of it being stolen, of fading away, became an ever-growing weight, removing the air, removing clarity and replacing it with a fog of fear.
Which was why, when life moved successfully forward, I wasn’t as ready as I should have been, and everything took a little longer than necessary.
But that was also why I had to do most – not all – of it by myself. To clear the fog, to dump the weight, to acknowledge and dismiss the fear.
No-one is too old to be afraid of life throwing shite at the fan. Or of learning that it’s okay to not be okay, and say it to those who ask.
Because I am safe, thanks to the best person I know. And I have acknowledged my need to be open, thanks to the other best person I know.
And I will continue to struggle with the fears, because instant recovery only happens with Disney. But I am safe, and I am understood.
And I am there to understand all who need, but never ask. And there to ask, because the mask is never as good as you think. I know, and I survived.
And flounced!! But that’s another story.
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