I Wasn’t Going To Do This, But …….

I have been avoiding dumping the crackling mess that is the inside of my head for a while. It just never seemed justified.

I have, to some extent, established a framework to operate in. I go the the office Monday to Friday, at least for a couple hours in the morning. Empty office, Radio 4, very splendidly peaceful.

I walk twice a day, with a dog attached, or in attendance. I see regular walkers at the same times, which adds structure, solidity.

I, thankfully, regularly shop, and support in a virus aware way, two of the best people I know. Which means that I can add a further purpose to the framework, and do what I can for my ‘family’, who are stuck at the wrong end of both a virus and a general public who don’t always approach safety in the best way.

And I also get angry, because of the public’s inability to abide by consistently safe behaviour. And the frustration for their situation, is also because I can’t change it. Which makes no sense, but when has that been a problem.

And of late I have seen the best son that anyone could have, and the best son’s best girlfriend, and a very forgiving ex-wife, and why should my mind be crackling endlessly with static?

And the answer is, because it is.

The framework, the structure, the tasks, dampen the static, the sparks, the flashes.

But the errands finish, as they have to, and that leaves a silence. And, diverted by Netflix seasons, Springsteen loud enough to annoy the neighbours, and a diversity of books, the mess of electricity gets suppressed for a while.

But it never goes away. And as the structure gets adjusted by changes to external forces, wider access, reversing attitudes and behaviour, the static becomes more emphatic, more prickly, more impossible to get the muscles to relax.

Especially at 1, or 2, or 3, 4, 5 in the morning.

And I have no right to complain, because there are so many who are not as theoretically free as I am.

But the static doesn’t give up, so this mind dump is to tell it that I see you static. I feel and hear your silent crackle.

And I can handle it. And I can handle you. Because there are more important things out there to deal with, and maintain, and support.

And overall I am lucky, blessed, with knowing the very best of peoples. Each a singular star that hides the static, calms the crackle, soothes and relaxes the muscles.

I think I will be different if and when this is passed. I think we all will be.

And those I hold close will still be close, and that is what holds the true strength that beats any static.